The Top Ten Businesses Most Likely to Survive the Apocalypse

For us God-fearin' folk, we hold the belief that one day Jesus Christ himself will come again, cleanse the earth by fire, and thereafter rule and reign over a thousand-year period of peace and happiness--a period of time we call the Millenium. Those that will survive the rapture will be good people, though not necessarily adhering to a specific sect or creed.

For me, though, I don't usually think of who will survive the apocalypse, but rather, which businesses will survive to enjoy millenial patronage. These businesses must be awesome--REALLY awesome. Forget the Better Business Bureau, we're talking DIVINE establishments. Consumer oriented, helpful, ain't-goin'-cheat-ya establishments. Though it's up to the Son of God himself to decide which enterprises make the cut, may I offer my opinion as to which companies will be our go-to when the world gets it's garden of Eden status once again:

1. Amazon.com - definitely our one-stop millenial internet shop. I mean, already in our cold, fallen world this company manages to offer an incomparable variety of goods at great prices. To top it off, spend just 25 bucks on a single order and they'll ship it free. Don't forget the unbeatably celestial customer service. Just think, when Christ is here as king, Amazon will probably send an angel to deliver your new sonicare toothbrush--and that angel will probably give you a hug and offer you a foot massage.

2. Watson's Flowers in Mesa - When I think flowers, I always think Watson's. Family owned for almost a century and worth it's age in gold. The service is superb, the prices are decent, and the products are beautiful and elegant. You can tell they really care about flowers. When the moon turns to blood, don't you worry about Watson's. They'll sail on a flowery cloud of righteousness all the way through to deliver us a beautiful bouquet when the world stops shaking.

3. In-n-Out Burger - In-n-Out is in the world but certainly not of it. While the fast-food joints of world hide their underpaid employees behind a wall and set them about shuffling together frozen, year-old ingredients before bagging them and throwing them out a drive through window, In-n-Out rises above. Rolling throug the drivethru lane gives you a open view of all the relatively well-paid cooking staff as they prepare your fare. Then there's the barebones menu--priced for the common man--and for the five bucks you'll hand over for a combo meal, you'll get a delicious burger with special sauce, fries that are fresh cut on-site, and a beverage of your choice. Don't forget the free-agency to customize your order however you want. Best of all--pleasant, well paid staff that just look so adorable in their cute, old-school uniforms. Earthquakes in divers places can't topple In-n-Out.

4. Café Rio - Any restaurant with a cooking staff that will shout in unison whenever I get extra cheese, extra meat, or a free meal is a restaurant that will be permitted to tarry when the Savior comes again. And the staff? They sure know how to make a burrito. Service with a smile--now that's a millenial merchant.

5. Kranky Franks - Right now in our cursed world you'll only find this gem of a hot dog stand in Springville, Utah, but when the Earth gets its paradisical glory, you'll find a franchise around every street corner. Maybe I'm biased (the owners are my aunt and uncle) but the deliciousness alone of the flagship dog--dubbed the "Danger Dawg"--is their ticket straight to a perfect location in your local millenial food court. The small town, family style service doensn't hurt either.

6. Happy Cleaners - When the Messiah is here calling the shots, you'll need to make sure you look sharp. Keep your suit coat classy during the Millenium by dry-cleaning it at Happy Cleaners. Yes, they'll clean your whatever. Yes they'll do it at a decent price. And YES they will do minor repairs and button reattachments FREE with your cleaning. A holy business isn't hard to spot--Happy Cleaners assuredly passes muster.

7. Kat's Korner - Saturday nights in an era of millenial peace will never be boring thanks to Kat's Korner, the best spot for swing dancing on earth. The dance space is small--but the music is always fresh and the atmosphere is safe and super fun. Prices are heavenly--dancing the night away is only $5 for students and $7 for older, richer people. With celestial crowds, I'm sure the only thing that could make Kat's an even hipper dance space is more real estate, which will be no problem after the world becomes a sea of dance-ready glass.

8. Lon D. Lawrenz, DDS - With all the candy we'll be able to eat guilt-free during the reign of our Redeemer, we'll likely need a good dentist to match. People from all over the world will be driving their personal, supersonic jets to Tempe for dental service by Dr. Lawrenz. Just walking into the office makes me feel like I've died and gone to heaven as I'm greeted personally by name by the desk assistant. After being rolled up as a scroll, the Earth will still be blessed by the personal-touch awesomeness of Dr. Lawrenz and his equally divine dental hygenist staff.

9. Pixar Animation Studios - With the disappointing Cars 2 and the upcoming I-feel-like-I've-seen-this-movie-a-million-times-before-princess-flick Brave being the only products of Pixar convincing us that we haven't yet opened the seventh seal, Pixar is a no brainer for the millenial nice list. Pixar has proved time and time again that it is possible to make amazing movies that the whole family can enjoy. They're funny, they're heartwarming, and the animation just gets better and better. For restoring our faith in good, wholesome, top-tier media, Pixar is a shoe-in for millenial movie dominance. Don't fret, Dreamworks fans. Even the unrighteous will be resurrected after the thousand years are over.

10. Costco - The Millenium is going to be AWESOME and we're definitely going to be throwing a LOT of parties. Thanks to a celestialized Costco, we'll be well stocked for our get-togethers and much more. Costo may have changed its name from Price Club of old but the glory of wholesale prices has never changed. The stores are immense, but when you get hungry from making your weekly pilgramage to the back of the store, there's delicious tastings and free samples to sustain your journey back to the check out lanes. And after-shopping appetites are easily whetted by the food court. One dollar and fifty cents for a polish dog and drink? There's no doubt Costco will be our number one "terrestrial" supplier for all our thousand-year needs.

What about you? What businesses do you think will be around your Millenial corner?